This Week: June Feels, More Field Trips, a Carving, and Where the Wild Things Are

For the last two weeks my countdowns have felt anticipatory, excited, tired, what-else-can-we-squeeze-in-before-we're-done frantic; today I feel bittersweet and tender. There's a week left of school but the goodbyes have already started - Beth's last day was today - and yesterday at the Assembly meeting the parents held a gratitudes circle just for the ALFs and we all cried at the beautiful things they said to and about us. We're here at the end; I feel relieved because I am tired, I feel satisfied because I see the growing we've done much clearer than I could previously, I feel sad because a cycle is ending and mourning is valid.I was talking to Abby last night after the Assembly about cycles and time, and we're in agreement that three years of facilitating feels significant. We're approaching the end of my second year of ALFing - three-years-ago-me didn't even know that this could be my life yet. Three-years-ago-Mel was working at a corporate job that I hated and couldn't yet imagine my way out. Two-years-ago Mel knew they were leaving the safety of the path laid out by schooling and normie-culture expectations but didn't yet know what that would entail. Last-year Mel thought they knew a lot and, though they'd grown a bunch in this work, they weren't yet ready to sit comfortably in uncertainty. I don't know yet that I'm comfortable with uncertainty, but I feel comfortable recognizing there are so many things that I don't yet know - about how to be a good facilitator, a healthy human, a fulfilled person, about how all those things are connected - I feel wiser in my unknowing than I ever felt in my (many) years of chasing certainty. I'm not wise, but I am willing to play. Alright, that's enough navel gazing. Here's to the week:Monday we played Blind Horse Tag in Acro (a kid sits on an adults' shoulders and covers the adults' eyes with their hands/steers their "horse" around in a game of tag) which is both stressful and very fun - it makes me feel strong. We were trying to do a straddle-bat lift, but Ash and I kept talking about our meat and bones and laughing and falling over. After, he and I made a Sim of me, which was just as fun as I remember it being 15 years ago. Siena and I read Where the Wild Things Are - she'd never read it before, which meant I got to share in the joy of her first reading of it. Even and I did Philosophy - we talked morality, psychology, concrete examples, Leia and the trolley problem. Chuck and Timo started building a bow; Ry took Joy Burger and Central Park trips; Katherine made a great save in kickball. We all hung out with sleepy Chova the dog. On Tuesday Sterl had a bit of a meltdown about Seb taking apart his lego creations and I mediated. It's not the first conflict on this topic between these humans - in fact, we have a "no hoarding shared resources" agreement because Seb got sick of Sterl telling him that he was using all the pieces and came to Change-Up to do something about it a couple of months ago. What was interesting about Tuesday was how I felt different in my mediation than I had previously; how I could feel myself holding it lightly. We wound up talking about how entropy is the state of the universe, how stasis is impossible because everything is changing all the time. Even if you stay perfectly still, your muscles will atrophy. Are you moving towards growth or are you hoping for stasis? I'm not the only one who's been growing - Seb, who came here two years ago, has developed a level of patience in mediation that his two-years-ago self didn't know he was capable of. I'm really proud of him and, while I'm sad to say goodbye, I'm so excited for him to continue to grow his skills and talents at Special Music School next year, where he'll be a vocal major for high school.Wednesday we had visitors - Megan and Liz, who are hoping to start an ALC in the Philly suburbs, and their kids - and it was quiet enough in the space that Abby and I could spend two hours in the afternoon answering their questions. I was feeling kind of weird when I got home that evening, so I wrote a list of good things that I did in my day notes: "Reading Far from the Tree in the lobby w/ Chova the dog curled up on me & seeing Siena discover asparagus & laughing w/ Nahla about the first three questions everyone asks & getting surprised with biodegradable glitter gifted by Abby & a full gratitudes meeting & a smooth cleanup & Jiji and Roan playing tag in the hall..."Yesterday was a two field trip day - Abby took Xander and Jiana to the Rockaways, and Chuck & I went mini-golfing on Pier 25 with Erez, Demian, Hannah, Beth, & Siena. Mini-golf was very fun, but I forgot my water bottle and so wanted to go back to school right after we were done. Demian opted to come with me, and we spent the subway ride talking about Harry Potter spoilers, King Arthur's sword, metaphors, the Elder Wand, and swapping book recommendations. After school was the final potluck and Assembly meeting of the year. Like I said, the parents surprised us by holding a gratitudes circle for everyone to tell us ALFs how grateful they were for us and I got ALL the feels. Honestly, I still can't believe I have the incredible privilege to wake up every morning and come to work here; I cannot describe my gratitude.Today was quiet - we had our final check-in and change up of the year. I finished carving my rose block and test-printed it; I'm very pleased with how it turned out. We had a culture committee on trolling, which felt really efficient (and we decided the consequence of not being able to troll responsibly is getting removed from the troll whitelist and not being able to troll at all for the rest of the year, which feels so fair to me...). Beth and I chatted for a while about the growing she's done this year and decided we'd be pen pals again this summer. The next thing I knew it was cleanup and blog time and here we are...  

This Week: Routine Interruptions, End-of-the-Year Chill, Beach Trips, Blooming Roses, and a Dog Friend

Another week has gone! Only two remain! The roses in my neighborhood are blooming already! What even is time!This week felt a little strange the whole time, because Monday was Memorial day and we didn't have school. I spent the day with my family in the suburbs, which was lovely (and very green) but my rhythm was all off afterwards. It's as if the calendar doesn't care about my personal qualms with messing up my routine, which I think is very inconsiderate of the calendar. Regardless, no school Monday (and no Acro!) so not much to report there. Here's the suburbs, seen from my mom's front lawn:Tuesday we were joined by Chova the World's Chillest Terrier. Savannah is her human, and we've been testing what it's like to have a student bring companion animals into the space. So far so good; she's honestly one of the sweetest beings I've met (which makes her a great match for her human!). Currently she's sitting on Savannah's lap next to me just gently licking her arm. Honestly. This dog.The rest of Tuesday was really chill - I spent a lot of time reading Far from the Tree by Andrew Solomon, which is a wide-ranging exploration of the duality of illness and identity, and the ways those overlapping concepts play out in relationships between parents and their children. There are 10 chapters - Deaf, Dwarfs, Down Syndrome, Autism, Schizophrenia, Disability, Prodigies, Rape, Crime, and Transgender. It's not light reading (and it's nearly 900 pages long, including all the notes and references) but it's nuanced, well-researched, and compassionately communicated. It's not the kind of book you necessarily need to read cover-to-cover, (I started with Autism and have been jumping around) but I find the more I read of it the more I want to read. I'm only about halfway through, and I highly recommend it.Wednesday we took a beach trip to the Rockaways! Ry met Beth, Saylor, Zoe, and Siena there, and I brought Xander, Erez, Aniya, and Hannah from East Harlem on the ferry. It wasn't perfect beach weather but it was a great day anyway - the ferry was especially fun. Also, despite heavy cloud cover, Ryan, Beth, and I managed to all get sunburned. Just another reminder to always wear sunscreen!!      Yesterday I was so tired after Wednesday's tripping - I wound up riding 9 total subways and walking 5 miles, on top of the ferry, because I went to acupuncture after all that. Chuck took Even and Doug on a field trip to the Museum of the Moving Image that sounded super fun. I wound up doing some more reading, and making art with Roan in the lobby (we're working on a book!). I also wound up talking to two different groups at length about the weirdness of having a body, a subject near and dear to my heart. I've been thinking a lot about how we are our bodies, how our bodies are our minds, how we turn food, through the complex process of digestion, into electricity in order to operate our meat, which in turn allows us to experience sensation and time and relationships. There are more cells in your body (about 37 TRILLION and that doesn't even include the microbes that live in your gut!!!) than there are stars in the Milky Way galaxy. We are galaxies, each of us, we are superclusters. It's pretty amazing.Today has been quiet. There were no new awarenesses in check-in (a first for this year). I started carving a lino block inspired by the roses on my city block. It won't capture their color but it will get at their lovely, loose shape. I love roses, even though I know it's cliche - I love their variety, and their boldness. I love how flowers be, and I'm trying to be more like them; to trust that existing as my full, colorful self is enough to attract what I need to help me grow.  I've done a lot of growing this year, and I can feel this cycle coming to a close...<3MelBonus photo: Ry wanted to go to the park but kids weren't ready yet so I walked out in the lobby and found...

This Week: The End of Ancillary, Actual Springtime, and Three Field Trips

ALERT: THERE ARE ONLY THREE WEEKS LEFT IN THE SCHOOL YEAR>> ALERT: THERE ARE ONLY THREE WEEKS LEFT IN THE SCHOOL YEAR>> ALERT: THERE ARE ONLY THREE WEEKS LEFT IN THE SCHOOL YEAR>>It feels bittersweet to be reaching the end of the year. I’m grateful to have made the long trek through winter to May - my favorite ALC month - and yet I feel a bit stunned that we’re here already. I’m energized by the beautiful weather, the field trips, the fun we’re having now that we’ve hit our stride, but I’m also tired. That might just be my body trying to get my attention, though, and after the week I’ve had I can’t blame it…From the top, I just want to acknowledge myself for moving my body both days last weekend - climbing on Saturday and riding my bike Sunday. Yay body! Yay self!Monday morning started with Acro, as it does, and I’m so excited about the ways that my body has gotten stronger and better at Acro in the last few months. This week I based several different people (including Ash, who is almost as tall as me…), but I also did something much scarier: I flew. I was laying on my back on the ground and Yoni and Ryan each grabbed one of my arms and one of my legs. Then they began to swing me - one, two, three - and swung me all the way up and over so I was standing on their shoulders. It was terrifying, but I did it! Yay body! Shoutout to Yoni and Ryan, for being extremely dependable humans. I didn’t do much else on Monday (including writing time… which I feel guilty about skipping) because I developed some pretty intense nausea after Acro. I don’t think it’s directly related to flying through the air in a terrifying lift, but doing Acro without first eating a good breakfast or drinking enough water is not a good idea. Lesson learned.Also on Monday: doggo visitor.On Tuesday, Ash, Timo, and I FINISHED ANCILLARY MERCY!!!! It’s an all-caps achievement for sure - the whole trilogy clocks in at 996 pages of hard science fiction, diving through deep questions about who is a person, what is justice, and how to change the status quo (and what does any of that mean to begin with). It’s a series that doesn’t shy away from moral quandaries, which I love. (Personally, I believe that all good sci-fi is actually philosophy, but much more interesting.) Getting to share a deep, brilliant story that I love with two teens who invested their time and attention to delving into the complexities of it has been one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had so far as a facilitator. I’m really grateful to Timo and Ash for sharing it with me, and proud of us for finishing it!Also on Tuesday: fabric store trip and painting with Saylor, Latin American and Industrial Revolutions in Histoy, I cut Abby’s hair, and “Ry on Shark Tag DL - Xander told him not to do the god arm but he didn’t listen…”Wednesday I went to Brooklyn Bridge Park with Saylor, Zoe, Beth, Siena, Doug, Javair, Serena, Hannah, Erez, Even, Demian, Chuck & Ry. We watched a super cool glassblowing demo on a barge and played at three different playgrounds. All told, I walked 5.5 miles! Plus, I got to talk to Timo about the NYC skyline, history, and broken-windows policing for a while… Yesterday we went BACK to Brooklyn Bridge park to go bouldering at the Cliffs @ DUMBO boulders. We had to wait a while for them to open, so I hung out in the ship-shaped park with Douglas, Saylor, Zoe, Beth, Siena & Siena’s mom and sister. Ry, Demian, Even, and Hannah came and met us, and then all of us walked down to the East River waterfront to eat lunch and hang out for a while. Then we went climbing - there too I can feel my body getting stronger, more confident. DUMBO boulders is right under the Manhattan Bridge, which is pretty cool except that it’s SUPER loud with trains going by every few minutes - after an hour or two there I always feel really mentally exhausted from all the noise. Plus, the routes were kind of confusingly marked. I was talking to Even afterwards, and I think we’re going to go back to the Cliffs’ regular location in Long Island City, which is more clearly labeled and less overwhelmingly loud. David and Jessie came and visited from Philly, but I missed them because I was in Brooklyn all morning (I am super grateful that I got to meet other people directly at BK bridge park instead of coming up to East Harlem and all the way back out both Wednesday and Thursday...). Today Tomis, Nancy, and Huxley are visiting! Huxley is so tiny I actually don’t know what to do with him quite, but it’s lovely to see all three humans. Ry and I took a big group to see SOLO today, which I was worried was going to be terrible but actually was pretty passable. Lots of high-speed chases and double-crossing, which is exactly what I wanted from it…Finally, a puppet update: there’s a new one and it’s equally terrifying. I have a feeling this won’t be the last three field trip week of the year… Tune in to find out!<3Mel

This Week: Intense Astrology, Rainy Days, David Bowie and the Art of Omelettes

It’s been overcast every day this week and raining most of that time - the energy is a mirror of the weather and I’ve noticed our stifled, humid tensity. Towards the end of the week things have been clearing up, thankfully, and it looks like the sun will come out soon. But, like I just told Siena, I cannot and will not predict the weather, I just live in it…I had a great Acro day on Monday! I can feel my body getting stronger, which is so awesome, and I based not only Ash but Katherine on top of him! Yoni is a rad human for a lot of reasons, but I’m coming to appreciate his superpower of getting one to do something they didn’t know their body was capable of without making a fuss about it. I was basing Ash and then Yoni was like “okay, now Katherine is going on top” and then there she was and I was holding both of them with my legs! I have a skeleton and it is strong! Also on Monday: started my second astrology post (forthcoming) in Writing Time, watched "Why Does the Universe Exist?" and talked about genocide, dysentery, and the Oregon Trail in Philosophy, and read more Ancillary Mercy with Timo and Ash. We’re getting so close to the end of the trilogy...Tuesday was a strange day, and not just for me. Astrologically speaking, there were two significant events: Uranus moving into Taurus, and the new moon, also in Taurus. The former is significant because of its rarity - Uranus moves signs only once every 7 years - and because it is the planet of unbalancing, of breakthroughs and breaking open, of unequal balances of power. In Taurus, the sign of the earth, stability, and groundedness, it’s not particularly comfortable, and this transit will certainly be an interesting one. With it conjuncting the new moon in Taurus, it was a potent day. New moons generally are - they’re a time of beginning, and powerful moments of inception, hence it intensifying the Uranus shift.Astrology aside, I started my Tuesday by talking about the French Revolution, the Haitian Revolution, (quick plug for the Revolutions podcast if you’re interested in an in-depth look at both/either - his season on the Haitian revolution is particularly good) and the history of the Israel-Palestine conflict in History. The last felt especially important, and present after waking up to the news reporting the deaths and injuries to Palestinian protesters at the hands of Israel’s army (speaking of unequal distributions of power over land…). I then rolled into Spanish, where Abby, Timo and I translated “To Change the World Enough” by Alice Walker and then from there into Cook Noob, where fry-master Chuck spent three hours presiding over the production of french fries. I didn’t do much cooking, but I did talk at length to Even about how I don’t think that your brain is where your personhood solely resides - how I think all of your organs, your whole body as a system, is an inherent part of your person. If you’re new to this blog, check out this post for more rambles on this topic.On Wednesday we had Dan and Grace Ports come and visit with their three under-4-year-old children. It was fun having tinies in the space and seeing our small humans react to them being around (shoutout to Abby, for being a baby whisperer). It definitely felt like an ALL THE THINGS day, although writing about it now I’m grateful for the opportunity to get one-on-one and one-on-small-group time: I worked with Beth on writing for over an hour, and read more Ancillary with Timo and Ash, and screened Labyrinth (one of my favorite movies OF ALL TIME) in anticipation of Thursday’s trip…Because Thursday we went to the Brooklyn Museum (a.k.a. my favorite museum…) to see the Bowie exhibit! The whole day was so great. I met Beth, Saylor, and Siena there right when the museum opened since we’re all Brooklyn-based, and we went up to the 4th floor and rambled through the period rooms and also Judy Chicago's The Dinner Party. Saylor took all the incredible photos below (except the ones she's in...) and I want to acknowledge her for capturing the creepy/cool/beautiful sense of hauntedness that I feel in the period rooms in particular.

Then we met up with Hannah, Nahla, Ash, Joaquin, and Abby, who had traveled down from east Harlem, and we went and checked out the mummies and then went to BOWIE.First of all, can we just have a moment of appreciation for the human that was David Bowie? Not only was he a rock star - he released 27 albums in 50 years! - he painted and drew and danced and wrote movies and starred in movies and and and… There are over 500 artifacts in this exhibit, from costumes to videos to handwritten pages of lyrics. David Bowie is one of my heroes - his prolificness as an artist, his rejection of gender, his fascination with space and reinvention of the self all inspire me in the creative life I seek to live. Most of the kids on the trip weren’t familiar with Bowie beforehand (some of them had seen Labyrinth, but that was about it) and so there was the fizzing magic of getting to share in that first-time seeing on top of my massive baseline excitement. Saylor and Ash and I moved slowly through, reveling in all the work. We sat for a long time in a room with several giant projectors where they play a loop of him at a live show as Ziggy Stardust. Honestly, David Bowie is magic and the fact that he existed is proof enough, for me, that the universe is full of infinite possibility. If you have a chance to see the exhibit, I highly recommend it.Today has been mostly chill - it feels like the humidity has broken. Wally, Roan’s dad, was here taking portraits, which was so fun, and Svetlana, Rachel, and Adrienne came in to start on an ALC Memory Book (a kind of scaled-down yearbook project…) which I’m super excited about. I went and pulled out all my school photos from this year and there are over 400 of them! It feels like a lot but it also feels right. I made a four-egg omelette with broccoli and mushrooms for lunch that was so delicious. I’m really mastering the art of omelettes. The key is to get the pan very hot and well-greased before adding the eggs.That’s about it. There’s only 4 weeks left now (AHHHHHHH!!!!!) and I’ve got a lot of writing started so watch this space - I’m trying to channel the prolificness of Bowie…<3Mel

This Week: Schema, writing, introvert time and sunshine

I made so much art this week :) It felt wonderful.Monday was a visiting day, the first ever dedicated exclusively to humans who want to “see the space in action” but aren’t otherwise connected to us. It went super well - all of our visitors were really respectful of everyone’s space and time, plus they were rad humans in their own right. As the visitor coordinator, I couldn’t be more pleased :) Three of them came on an impromptu trip to the art supply store on 125th with us - that location is closing (unfortunately) but everything is 50% off (fortunately). Nahla and I bought a bunch of paint and canvases. Lili got supplies/started making a (terrifying) puppet so that she can do stop-motion animation - she keeps leaving it in places around the school where it’s just looking down at me, all scary and uncanny-valley-doll-nonsense. Its name is Ti and it uses "it" pronouns.  (I took lots of photos with equal parts horror/hilarity/oh god it's following me...)              On Tuesday I made more art and then the cook noobs made beignets! Nancy donated us a deep fryer, which I’m totally going to make french fries in, and also made the beignet dough because she’s super generous with her time. I didn't eat any because gluten makes my gut mad, but I heard they were delicious. They certainly looked it!  Wednesday Ry took a group to Brighton Beach and so it was very quiet in the space all day. I was really grateful for it, because I’ve been spending lots of time with other humans and I hit an introvert-wall, which is the point at which I stop being able to process auditory input. It sounds weird but it is a real thing in my brain. I made myself a (glorious) breakfast omelette and then went and started painting in the makerspace. I did not take a progress photo, but I did start painting a scene of Zoe, Saylor, and Sterl based on a photo I took when we went to Brighton last year. Nahla joined me, and we got to have quiet-art-morning time, which was just what I needed. In the afternoon, Roan and I collabra-drew creepypastas with charcoal that turned out so cool. Also, my notes from Wednesday just say “Doug is trying to trade up from a paperclip to a…?” I wonder how that’s going for him. When he left I think he’d made it up to a painted rock and was trying to convince Timo that he needed that rock in his life…Thursday I made a big art mess with Nahla, Beth and Hannah and it was so rad. We made flow art! I got paint all over me! We used a blowtorch! In the afternoon I added a tulip to the painting. It was going to be a bunch of sea monster tentacles, but as soon as I put the brush on the canvas I knew it wasn’t a monster at all. Siena and Jiana both painted with me in the afternoon - I notice that our Tauruses are into visual-art-making, which makes sense as Taurus is an earth sign (into the physical realm) that is ruled by Venus (the planet of beauty). Before all that, I got to sing with Seb and Timo - Seb was playing the keyboard and I just jumped in. We sang Bohemian Rhapsody and American Pie and some Beatles songs. I started re-learning Yesterday, which is one of my favorites of all time, and got to talk to Seb about SUS chords, which he points out are both kind of cheesy and really beautiful. They really give movement to a song. I made a video of myself playing and singing it just now, but I’m feeling too selfconscious to post it. Quick, here's my painting to distract you!Today, I went to the Barnard Zine Library and got to spend some time writing in a quiet, dedicated space with Nahla, Beth, and Hannah. (Thanks, Beth, for planning the trip!) I love libraries - I love the hushed feeling of all the knowledge around you. Libraries are magic. It’s beautiful outside - 70 degrees and sunny, the trees all leafed out, finally, and the sky the clear, bright blue of spring. The birds are out in the park. It’s been a good week. I’ve got so much more to write about and only 5 weeks left to do it before the school year is over - eek!<3Mel

Practice (a Verb)

On Tuesday, I started editing the facilitation guide again, with the intention of refining and articulating my language now that I’m a year more practiced in this work. I wrote:“Remind yourself that facilitation is a practice. A practice is the repeated exercise of an activity, skill, or habit to obtain proficiency; practicing, the verb of it. There is no other way to become a facilitator than to practice facilitation in a space with children. Our intention for this guide is to provide the theoretical and practical framework which structure our own practices so you can orient yourself in the work.”And then I thought “Huh. I wrote it, and it feels true. When did that realization happen?” Frankly, I wasn’t always so hot on the verb “practice”. In fact, as a kid I had a really fraught relationship with it because I primarily used it to describe practicing my instruments (I grew up in a family of musicians and played piano and flute from a young age), which felt more like homework than a joyful standalone activity. But over the last few months I’ve realized that a necessary part of my growth as a facilitator has been shifting this relationship; one doesn’t get trained in ALFing and then poof! You’re done! There is no way to prepare a human for every imaginable thing that will come up in the course of a day with self-directed learners; one can have all the theoretical knowledge and still be taken by surprise when the conversation takes an unexpected turn and suddenly you’re talking about the nature of evil on the 7 train in Queens, or a child comes up to you, hands you a tooth, and walks away, or you walk by the water fountain where a kid is gulping water and sobbing because, it turns out, she ate a whole habanero pepper. (These are all real things that have really happened to me in the last almost-two-years of my practice. Only one of them happened this week...) Facilitation can sometimes feel like traversing the parts of old maps labeled “Here Be Dragons”: you’re beyond the part of the world where you can expect clear mile markers, and you’re pretty sure that there aren’t actual dragons out here in the unknown, but you’re drawing the map as you encounter things and you can’t rule it out until you’ve explored it all. And if you do encounter dragons, you’ll figure it out. You recognize that you’re adaptable; you’ve found you can hold boundaries with your anxiety about the unknown. You’re armed with the tools of your trade. And then once you’ve practiced what to do when you encounter a dragon, the next won’t be so scary.Outside the daily facilitation practice I do here at ALC-NYC, I’ve also developed personal practices that have been extremely helpful in supporting me through this work: I [bullet] journal, I keep a personal kanban and make mosaics, and I do work with an oracle deck. An oracle deck is a deck of cards (like a Tarot deck, which I sometimes use, though my preferred deck right now is the beautiful Animal Spirit deck by Kim Krans) with a spiritual aspect; they’re a powerful tool for focusing your energy and for self-reflection. For a long time, my work with my deck was private: every night before I went to bed, I would shuffle the deck and concentrate myself, thinking about my day or trying to release it, and pull two cards, which I would then draw and write about. It started, at first, as an aspiration to keep a journal and to find a (sorely necessary) private space to connect with my introvert inner self, but as I filled up one notebook, then another, and another, I saw the ways in which I was learning to take up more space, to take more risks, to be reflective not just on what I did, but how it felt, how I wanted it to feel. I still do that, and I’m still refining that private practice, will be for a long time (until it doesn’t serve me anymore…). But recently I’ve leveled up: I now pull one card in the morning and photograph it and put it on instagram! It feels a bit scary to make public what has been, until now, a deeply personal practice; I’m practicing sharing my self with the world (on this blog, in the art I’m making, and now this…) and finding that, while it is intimidating at first, the connections I’ve deepened by putting myself out there have been well worth getting over my fear. There are all these ads on the subway recently that say “life happens while you’re waiting.” For a long time, I was waiting for things to be perfect before I shared them with the world; facilitation has pushed me out of perfectionism into practice in ways that have been deeply uncomfortable and profoundly transformative. Turns out, I like it here. Turns out, I’m much more free. Turns out the world doesn’t care if something is perfect; it would rather be a part of my practice.Here are last weekends' cards: (I usually make boomerang gifs and wordpress is giving me a hard time about posting them here. Follow me on Instagram if you want to see them daily!)

This Week: Fruit Appreciation, Returning to "Normalcy," and Chavela <3

First of all, I ate a mango today that was absolutely perfect. Can we all just take a moment of silence and appreciate that mangos exist?Thank you.This week was fast and slow, strange and homey, quiet and raucous all at once. Ryan, Chuck and a bunch of the kids were visiting Mosaic in Charlotte (actually, they're probably back any minute...) and as a result the days still haven't fallen back into their usual routine (as usual as a routine can get, at a place where everything is different all the time...) since it was interrupted by my visit to Australia (which you can read about here, here, and here...).On Monday and Tuesday we Mega-Spawned in the office - it was such a surreal feeling to have the whole school in one room. Abby reminded me that there was a time where this was a regular occurrence but knowing that and doing it are two totally different things. Wednesday, we opted to split into two different Spawns because Mega-Spawn was taking too long - and I'm grateful for the reminder that we're so practiced at speedy Spawns that a 15 minute meeting feels too long. It was fun having Saylor, Timo, Joaquin, Luca, Siena, and Serena join me and the Library Spawn crew. Also, routine human that I am, it was kind of a relief to be back in the Library, which is the only room I've ever Spawned in and also happens to be my favorite room in the school (maybe because I rearranged it just the way I like it and decided which books go in here??????). Thursday I was supposed to take a trip to The Cliffs to go bouldering, but since just Savannah and I wanted to go, we opted not to take a two-person trip. Instead, Abby and I spent a lot of the day re-arranging the back room so that the cooking space would be easier to use (e.g. running extension cords so we can run the microwave and the hot plate at the same time without blowing a fuse...) and in the hopes that it wouldn't attract so much clutter. I'm hopeful it will help, but also aware that the space needs a good, deep "get-rid-of-it" in order to make space for people's stuff and cut down on our clutter-culture. Today, we had the shortest-ever Check-in and Change-up, then I read Ancillary Mercy for an hour with Timo and Ash. After that I wrestled with some technology for a bit trying to screen a movie and ultimately wasn't successful; I decided to walk away when I realized I was grumping much harder than was necessary due to dehydration and low blood sugar. I felt much better after tending my body, and then decided that I would tackle the tech again next week, when Ryan was back, since he knows the most about the project. I spent a bunch of the afternoon cutting out photos of macaws and then sharing a mango with some humans in the back room - I'm certainly missing the tropical beauty of Australia after the freezing-New-York-spring week we've had. All in all, a good week but I'm looking forward to everyone returning next week and swapping out the season-of-ALF-travel Aries fire energy for some everyone's-home-let's-settle-into-our-spring-routine Taurus earth energy (the sun moves from Aries to Taurus tonight at 10:13 PM EDT).Finally, last night, I saw a documentary about Chavela Vargas and I want to end this blog post with a moment of appreciation for this unbelievably talented performer and queer icon. She was a Mexican ranchera singer who wouldn't let anyone tell her what to do or how to live her life: she wore pants in her performances in the 1940s. She sang music written for men; she didn't change the pronouns. She was a shaman. She loved Frida Kahlo. At one point, she disappeared from the public eye and reappeared 12 years later; she revived her career at 71 when she went to Europe for the first time! The documentary, called simply Chavela, was brilliantly put together and Chavela herself is the inspiration I didn't know I was looking for. Some pics:<3Mel

what a week

My Nana is in the hospital this week, and I'm so scared and worried for her. She's my favorite person in the world and she's also 88 years old, so I have so many complicated, hard feelings that I'm not sure what to do about them. I'm also feeling a bit self-conscious, wondering - do I have a selection bias for sharing my upset/bad feelings on this blog more than my good ones? It's hard to tell - sharing is the hardest part of writing for me, and my self-consciousness makes accurate self-reflection hard. I feel more comfortable writing my bad feels here, in a blog I'm not sure anyone is reading, than sharing them by telling someone about them, or posting on social media where I know people will see them. But I don't want to seem as though I'm experiencing all bad things, so here's a video of a thing that made me smile this week:[embed]https://youtu.be/5kBfF1MfZwM[/embed]I'm so grateful to be a part of this community, particularly when hard weeks come along, because I feel so supported and surrounded by love here.

Return of the Blog: Anxiety as Self-Censorship, Zines, and Art-Making as Self-Care

This is my first blog back after a bit of a hiatus. In fact, it's my first blog of the new year! I've been doing a lot of self-reflection the past few weeks and, in particular, thinking about the agreement "share your learning on your blog" - the ways in which I've done that successfully, the places my self-doubt is holding me back from sharing, and deschooling the expectation that all the writing I share with the world must be perfect. Today I'd like to start with a (brief) explanation and reflection on my recent digital silence, and then get into some of the work/play/art-making I've been doing in the meat-space in the last month. Finally, I've got a recommendation for anyone else who's also thinking about this.Last time in blog-land: Star Wars recap/general feels outpouring. Since then we saw The Last Jedi (you can check out Doug's reaction vid here) and I had SO many feelings about it I felt like I needed to process fully before I could write anything. That block took up a huge part of my brain-space, both over break and since. I felt guilt about not modeling consistency in my blogging on top of feeling lowkey anxious about not completing my Star Wars series (I definitely get anxious when I leave things unfinished, though that doesn't always result in me finishing them...). Part of my writer's block was my scholar-brain wanting more information (a.k.a. wanting to re-watch the movie) before I talked about my opinions, but part of it was definitely the schooling/deschooling I'm doing around my writing: I feel like I can't share a writing until it is "finished," even though I know that no one is judging what I write here and, either way, most writing is never really finished.Despite all that, I'm not going to write about Star Wars today. Ha!Recently, I've gotten really excited about the idea of zine-making. For those who have never heard of zines (a.k.a. most people) they are, simply, DIY magazines about whatever you want! The content can include original drawing, collages, photographs, poetry, letters, instruction manuals, or unstructured ramblings; they might be produced by one person or by many in collaboration. Zines are a broad and inclusive medium for verbal and visual art-making, defined only by their do-it-yourself aesthetic and cheap production value. And they are SO COOL.Yesterday, a group of teens and I went to the Barnard Zine Library, where we browsed through a wide variety of awesome zines to get inspiration for our own work. I'm really feeling inspired, which is why I'm definitely not stressing about my "missing" Star Wars blog post; I plan to make a "Feminist's Guide to Star Wars" zine and produce it before the end of the school year!(Writing that goal makes me want to immediately erase the sentence/blog post/this entire blog. I am leaving it, and this reflection, up in the hopes that making my thinking public will hold me accountable.)I've also been working on a Deschooling Zine. Some pics![pictures will get added when I take them]I'm not sure which zine I want to work on publishing first, and I'm not worrying about it. Part of my intention with choosing a medium that is by nature super broad is to break the pattern of "this isn't perfect therefore I must agonize over it instead of sharing it." Stay tuned.On a final note, I want to recommend an incredible podcast about deschooling and art-making as self-care from Anthony Galloway (@tonyg) at Heartwood ALC. I always enjoy his appearances on Fare of the Free Child, but this week in particular he talked about not making time for himself to make art because it doesn't feel "productive" and I wanted to shout with epiphany on the subway - it felt like he finally articulated the thing I've been trying to wrap my brain around for weeks! It's a particularly awesome episode of an awesome podcast and I highly recommend it to all artists (a.k.a. all humans) who are deschooling that part of themselves.Bonus track: Be an Artist Right Now!

French toast, Flower Crowns, Duolingo Messages, Fire Extinguisher Abby, Dancegiving, Ancillary Justice, and Bob Ross' New Hair [again]

I didn't post this on Friday! Last week was a visiting week and my brain was scattered and scrambled by the end of it with so many humans in the space. Luckily Brooklyn developments are looking optimistic...I've been practicing Duolingo pretty consistently and I feel my Spanish starting to come back! I wish that I had not stopped studying it in school as soon as I could because I'm finding that all the words I learned when I was younger are easier to call up than the ones I'm trying to learn now. The hardest part of Duolingo has been keeping my streaks going. (I lost an 8 day one this weekend because I was all wrapped up in Friendsgiving. Sad, but worth it.) The best part is weird sentences, like this one:Last week they tore out the mums from the conservancy garden and Alex Patz brought us some so we could make flower crowns. I didn't make one but Abby made me this happy yellow one.Other things we made on Tuesday: soap and french toast. I would have taken more photos except I didn't XP Here's @abbyo, appropriately labeled.On Thursday, Sterl's mom, Taasha the Amazing, donated an incredible Thanksgiving feast. We called it Dancegiving all week after Siena's hilarious mispronunciation. I did not get any photos, because I was too busy enjoying all the food.Ash and I are reading one of my favorite books together! He and I were talking about it on Thursday post-Dancegiving feast and he asked me to read it aloud to him because it's kind of confusing to follow. It's called Ancillary Justice and I'm really enjoying the reread (possibly the 5th or 6th time I've read this book) - I get more out of this novel every time I read it.And finally, a Bob Ross update:(he's actually gotten a little moldy since, but he was looking good last week.)